Friday, October 28, 2011

Insert foot into mouth

You know that moment when someone is trying to console you, but they end up insulting you?  Yeah, I have been getting that a lot since Jerry is gone.  It typically sounds like this:

“How is Jerry’s training going?”
“He is enjoying it.”  
“How much time does he have left?”
“Oh x weeks.” (Today is three FYI)
“That’ll fly by and you won’t even miss him because he is home on the weekends.”


More Silence…..Blink……Blink

This person tripping over themselves to make it better: “Well I mean, of course you miss him, but you only have x weeks more and it’ll fly by.  Plus you are so busy it keeps your mind off of it.  Oh my, look at the time. Bye!”

Yes, you are completely correct I never miss him because he is gone only 5 days instead of 7, and I get to see him after those 5 days for 48 hours.  As a matter of fact I am actually a heartless person that prefers when my husband is gone, and wished he lived away the majority of the time.  That way I can lounge around in my onezie drinking a mojito pretending like everything is normal and saying to myself “This IS the life”.  All the while the dogs are massaging my feet and feeding me grapes.  

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The 18 wheeler with a steak knife stuck on it.

I know that no one would believe I saw this, so I had to take a picture as proof.  I realize that this is illegal and dangerous, but come on it was so worth it!  I seriously cannot make up the craziness that I see on a regular basis.  I really am just that special!

I really wonder how this steak knife got stuck in between the truck and the license plate.  I mean did the driver stick it there to say to other drivers watch out because I’ll cut you!  I’ll take you out if you mess with me and my 18 wheeler.  Or was this his way of protecting the goods he was carrying?  But that can’t be it because any thief would use the knife against him.  

Either way watch out on the road because there is a steak knife carrying truck driver that is clearly not in his right mind.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jerry you have been renamed Kerry....Sorry the iPhone said so

The iPhone has now decided that Jerry’s name is not a real word and should instead be Kerry.  I get that Kerry is one of our Hollywood names, but frankly Jelly is so much cooler and neither of us really like Kerry.  Also, when typing I would never refer to us in the 3rd person that is lame, and I am much cooler that that!

But let’s discuss what the real problem is here…I have been writing to and talking about Jerry for the entire year I have had this iPhone.  It isn’t like all of a sudden Jerry pops up on the radar and the iPhone is like I can’t handle this curve ball you are throwing to me soooooo….Kerry it is.  NO!  I even have Jerry’s name typed into the phone as a contact.  I keep waiting for the iPhone to catch on, and think “Hey, this name isn’t going anywhere maybe I should remember it!”  But it never quite gets it, instead I am typing so fast I have to re-type Jerry’s name 54 times because the iPhone never gets that we are talking about the most important human in my life.

I think the iPhone is just messing with me to see if I will stay loyal.  I can’t handle the pressure to get his name right, and the iPhone knows it!  What if one time the name appears as Jelker or something even crazier like joker because it knows I’ll have a nervous breakdown?  The iPhone just sits there thinking “I know what’s best, just give in and the world will be a better place.  Just give in!” 

And Jerry, I mean Kerry, no wait Jelker.  Shoot what is that man’s name, that guy I live with?  He isn’t here to fix it and make it go away, and life won’t be the same ever again because by the time he gets home I’ll have forgotten him.

But seriously, does anyone know how to fix my problem?  Can I be smarter than the iPhone again, and tell it to not auto correct Jerry to Kerry?  

Friday, October 21, 2011

The day the Kilts took over Disneyland

The one only exhibit necessary for this post:

I know I look so loverly in the picture above, but please check out the gentleman behind me.  I realize it is hard to tell, but he was dressed in a black kilt with studs all over it.  I have no problems with kilts, but what struck me as odd was the fact that he was wearing a Ducati t-shirt and motorcycle riding boots with said kilt.

Please think with me for a moment about this man riding his Ducati to Disneyland in a kilt.  First of all that must have been the coldest ride ever, but second can you imagine how uncomfortable that must have been?  For example dresses drive me nuts when I am in a windy location because they blow all over, but can you image how distracting that would be on a motorcycle?  That kilt would be all over the place and probably hit him in the face a couple of times.  So, he is driving down the freeway on his motorcycle swatting a kilt out of his face so he can drive safely.

But let’s say he didn't wear the kilt ridding on a motorcycle to Disneyland.  That means he rode to Disneyland and then changed into his kilt because he is that dedicated.  I really wish I had the guts to ask which option actually happened, but since he was the size of Andre the Giant we'll just never know.  But you will know this, that a long haired blonde man does potentially ride motorcycles with a kilt in CA because he is that awesome.  Keep your eye out for him because maybe, just maybe you can figure out the mystery for us all.

P.S.  He was one of four men I saw wearing kilts that day, but I never saw them all together so maybe this man is a shape shifter as well.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Favorite Memory

Redding was filled with many good memories even though we weren't there under happy circumstances, but most of them weren't captured.  I was finally able to take pictures when we went to feed the horse, and I am a believer that life is more enjoyable when viewed through the eyes of children.

She's only two, but she isn't afraid of anything and probably would have hurled herself over if she had been allowed.

Throwing apples to the horses!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Because I can't get my act together

Since Jerry decided he could trust me to live by myself for six weeks without killing myself, the dogs or the house I am quite behind on getting photos uploaded hence the lack of "Favorite Memory" posts recently.  I thought this morning I would successfully get them uploaded to the computer and into Picasa, so I could drop them here, but alas they only got to the computer.

So in light of my inability to function normally awesomeness you get these of pictures from Disneyland.  Unfortunately it doesn't contain the gem of the day, but that will be uploaded tomorrow when my act is firmly back in place.

Here is Jerry pretending that he is me on most roller coasters, and you can't see my face but I was showing that coaster I could own it.  The guy in the front REALLY is at the happiest place on earth.

So we are on the new scary Space Mountain and Jerry grabs Thing 2 to get him to jump and all he is does is smile!  This is reason 7,589 why if you are in a gun fight you want him on your side.

Thing 1 and his girlfriend Saber tooth (this has a long story behind it, and in no way actually is referencing teeth.  she actually has great looking teeth because a dentist took great care of them.) continually just have smiles on their faces because they are enjoying themselves so much, orrrrr because we kept forgetting to tell them where the cameras were.  The two weirdos behind them are with us as well. J/K that is my awesome cousin and his even more awesome girlfriend.  Their faces are priceless, and perfectly timed.

And here is Thing 2 with the same facial expression, but please note how awesome his hair looks blowing in the wind!

Monday, October 17, 2011

That time I almost sassed the TSA Agent

We are on our way back to San Diego from Redding and we are running a little behind because of traffic and the need to get gas and probably because I said we didn’t need to leave until 9 when we should have left at 8:45.  So, we get to the airport, drop off the rental car and get to the correct terminal that I swore was wrong because it wasn’t the terminal we landed in.  Then we get to stand in a ridiculously long line at Southwest because some college water polo team was flying and instead of paying attention they were chatting it up like we have all the time in the world.  FYI, most people only get to the airport with just enough time to get through the dreaded security line and run to the gate for boarding.  Needless to say, I am not in the best of moods especially since this is all falling after a week of not sleeping well.

Also, this new idea to have flying passengers do their check-in with a computer is obnoxious because we all work on computers every day, but put them at the airport check in counter and it becomes mass hysteria.  So, we found the super-secret curbside check in and head to the land of TSA. 

We finally get to the front of the line (I swear TSA learned to make lines from Disneyland), and we have to wait because this gentleman forgot his boarding pass.  Your boarding pass is airport gold, so I really don’t know how you can forget it, but he did so he is trying to find it on his phone.  So they open up another line after ten minutes, and we get the Chatty Charles of TSA agents.  So, he strikes up a convo with Jerry about his goatee because it wasn’t in his driver’s license picture and then he turns to me and says “So you actually let him keep one?”  So in my head I am thinking “Alright funny guy check the ID and let’s move on”, but I say “Yes sir, I actually like it.”

Now let’s pause before we get to my conversation with him to describe what I look like.  In an effort to win Mrs. America I looked my absolute best with my glasses on, hair pulled back in a bun and no make-up.  

So, it’s my turn and I am being nice, but funny guy says “Is your hair actually long?” and I say “Yes, do you want to see it?” while I start to pull it out of my bun.  All the while thinking “Great I am going to get put on the no fly list because I couldn’t get my act together to do my hair.”  Finally he initials the ticket, and as I am walking forward he says this to the lady behind me “She is the type that thinks the driver’s license picture is a glamour shot.”

WHAT!?! Excuse me if I don’t want it to look like I haven’t washed my hair in 7 days with crossed eyes and snot hanging out of my nose when I take my driver’s license picture, but it just happened I took a great photo that day. 

I am facing Jerry and he sees this stunned look go across my face, and I get the “what’s wrong face” to which I shake my head.  I am about to turn around and Jerry sees the “Oh No He DIDN’T” face, and Jerry has the gall to grab my arm and say let it go.  Let it go?  I don’t think so!  Funny guy can’t just be making assumptions about people.  Hello! Ever heard don’t judge a book by their cover?

So, Jerry determined it wasn’t worth me actually getting thrown on the no fly list because he had more important things down here at home.  We don’t even know I would have ended up on the no fly zone, so missed opportunity, but know this I’ll let him know my mind next time I see him.  

Friday, October 14, 2011

My Trusty Companions

This is what awakens me between 4:30 - 5:30 am these days:

He tries to be all stealth, but when you are a clumsy pup that is carrying 65 lbs., stealth doesn't exist.  So often he stumbles on to me, and starts to lick me in an attempt to play.  This then causes this one to lie on top of me to get all of my attention:

And this all happens after an entire night of them taking over the bed.  I sleep in a CA King bed, so there really should be no reason for them hogging all the space.  I know this because Jerry is 6'2" and he doesn't exactly sleep in a ball, and if I can successfully share a bed with him I really think two dogs shouldn't be a problem.  I honestly think they do this to torture me for locking them up in their cages all day, and to that, all I can say is well played pups, well played.  

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Required bathroom etiquette because apparently some people were raised by wolves

Can we all agree that bathrooms are disgusting places?  Yes?  Okay then why pray tell do people have to make them even more disgusting!

I walked into a bathroom today and there are seat covers on almost every toilet, and let’s just say people weren’t completing their business fully.  FYI in a public bathroom you flush it down even if it isn’t brown!

I would expect this barbaric behavior in the men’s room, but not in the ladies' room!  If you can’t remember to fully complete your business then please hold it until you return to your lovely abode.  That way you can choose to let it mellow, flush it down or not do a thing.   I realize that there is potential for small bladders, but if you fall in that category figure out how to make it work in the restroom.

Even if you remember to flush, but leave the toilet cover on that doesn’t make it any better.  I realize that you might not want to touch it with it have your sweat and everything on it, but do you really think I want to have pull out a wad of toilet paper so I can grab it with the least possibility of touching it only to then have it brush against my legs or hit my arm.  Actually I don’t want to handle this unpleasant task at all, and if I wanted to take care of other human beings in this manner I would just have a child of my own.

I really think I am just going to start carrying around signs that say the things below with a roll of tape so I can plaster them to bathroom walls:
1.       Please confirm you flushed the toilet because no one wants to see that.
2.       Please confirm all bathroom tissue and toilet seat covers made it through confirmed flushing.  If not repeat step one until this is complete.
3.       Wash your hands because bathrooms are gross.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jerry Secretly Wants Girls...I just know it!

Up in the aforementioned Cell Phone Purgatory we spent time with Jerry's cousins and two of them have children.  Both of them have two little girls all under six and they are the cutest little people ever!

Well mister I am never going to have girls because this means I'll have to pay for a wedding and college did nothing but play with those little girls during his spare time.  This confirms my suspicion that we are going to probably have all girls, and this man is going to be wrapped around their little fingers.  That's right my manly man of a husband sat there when they were showing him their little dolls or their coloring books and looked so interested.

But the moment when I knew he was a goner was when we were on our way to run errands, and this man is sitting in the back seat of the car with the littlest one, and was rubbing her head until she fell asleep.  So, whenever he tells me he doesn't want little girls I am just going to have to look at him with "yeah right!" written on my face because I know secretly deep down he dreams of having little princesses. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I might be going blind or I am really blonde

We are on our way up to Cell Phone Purgatory last Monday and things are going fairly smoothly especially for buying our tickets and rental car three hours before we took off.

Things are going so well that Jerry even got an emergency exit seat, and it felt like our flight was only 30 minutes.  Yay!

So, we are on our final approach to Sacramento (which has anyone ever noticed is 20 minutes before the landing gear is extended, exaggerate much? final approach should be as you are dive bombing onto the runway. duh!) and all of a sudden I see a cities lights all come on.  I look at Jerry and say "OMG they must have been having rolling blackouts up here because that city's lights all just came on in a neat little line.  It was so cool, too bad you missed it!"  Then I get that look, yes the one that says can I sass her or should I just gently tell her the mistake she made.  Then the head shake (for the record, I hate the head shake) and then he says "Or it was just cloud cover that is no longer there because, you know, the plane is moving.”

Then I experienced that moment when you know you had a brain fart, but this was a brain fart of epic proportions.  How did I just confuse a cloud with a blackout?  It’s probably because I am slowly losing my ability to see in the dark, and this means I am probably not going to be able to drive at night soon like the 80 year old I know I am turning into.  I guess this means Jerry gets to do all the driving at night when he returns from abandoning me for bigger better opportunities.   

Monday, October 10, 2011

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth.

I am still alive and kicking, fortunately or unfortunately depending on whom you are, your view point and time of day.

Jerry's grandfather passed away a week ago and we went up to Redding, CA to be with family and go to the memorial service. This was a bittersweet time because we were sad about Jerry's grandfather, but we had a good time with all of his family. The last night was probably the best, they re-taught me how to play progressive rummy. I am pretty sure grandma cheated because she won with only 120 points and the next lowest score was 610 and I came in fourth. 

I'll let her get away with it this time, but next time it's on like Donkey Kong.

Anyyyways...I'll have great stories from that trip plus it's me, Rusty (aka The Terror) and Izzy (aka The Princess) all alone for the next six weeks while Jerry has training. But don't try to pull anything funny because I have a black belt in screaming and the Neighborhood Watch will come to my rescue.  And besides Thing 2 is going to occasionally be staying with me, and I would be terrified of his Secret Weapon if I were you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The only pet peeve my husband has

So we know this is one of my thousand pet peeves.  But below is my husband's one any only:

The one thing my husband loves more than life is his cars. So when he sees this happen in the parking lot he FREAKs out.

I am not kidding, picture a two year old throwing themselves on the floor spinning in circles screaming NOOO at the top of their lungs. I know it's hard to believe that the demure one of us could possibly react that way, but seriously this man loses his MIND.  Then the rest of the day all I get from him is "They are the reason that parking lot is a mess.  How can they just leave their car that way?  I would have re-parked the car, NO actually I would never have parked that way because I am the best driver the world has ever had!"

I beg of you world, for my sanity, please don't leave your car in that state!