Jon Stewart not Martha Stewart

Jerry has been gone 4.5 weeks with 1.5 to go and I am tired of him being gone.  You see, Jerry does so much around the house and it has all fallen to me.  This wouldn’t be a problem but as Jerry recently said to me “I guess I didn’t marry Martha Stewart, but Jon Stewart.”  All I have to say to that is, FACT!

I am never going to be a Suzie homemaker as previously discussed, but honestly I think Jerry only lets me do certain chores at home because he is terrified that other ones would have horrific consequences.  Let us look at the chores that aren’t getting done well and the reasons why:

1.       Trash / Recycling going out: 

a.       This is disgusting and I’ll probably get dirty.

b.      I always forget until 10 pm and who wants to go dragging trash cans out in the pitch black while waking the neighbors. 

c.       I have to go through two gigantic bushes to put these out and I risking my life and limb against spiders.  So I’ll pass.  Therefore Jerry is going to have a lovely time getting this all to the curb when he gets home.

2.       Mowing the law: 

a.        Jerry is afraid I would run over my foot, and I say that is impossible you are pushing the lawn mower not walking next to it. 

b.       Jerry says that I’ll burn the grass or something from keeping the blades too low and he has worked far too hard to watch me ruin it.

c.        Jerry said it would take three months for me to notice the grass even needs to me mowed.  Probably true because I don’t even notice now when he mows it, after he tells me it was mowed.

3.       Pumping Gas:

a.       I love to wait as long as possible to fill the tank.  It adds excitement to my life and makes me feel like I am living on the wild side.  Thing 2 experienced this the other night when I hog tied him to the back seat and dragged him to the gas station 5 miles away all with the “Miles to Empty” flashing three dotted lines.  To which he continuously muttered “I’m not pushing this car, I’m not pushing this car”.

b.      Point A happens because I always have to put gas in the car at night and we all know that the serial killers are hanging out at gas stations at night waiting for poor defenseless girls like me. 

c.       When Jerry pumps my gas it makes me feel like a kept woman, and who doesn’t love that feeling.  So, I try to go a whole week without filling up which really is the root cause of point a.  For all you who can’t believe I let him pump my gas for me, I say you have obviously never experienced this joyous feeling.  So next time you go to the gas station with your SO fake a broken leg or something just so you too can know, and you’ll never want to pump your own gas again.

d.      The real reason Jerry even pumps gas is because he is probably afraid I am going to blow the car up….And he is probably right.  Did you know that you aren’t supposed to talk on the phone while pumping gas?  Me either and I do this all the time.

Yeah, if I were Jerry I would be worried too.  Especially because I think I am going to try my hand at mowing the lawn Thursday night, in the dark.  That should be fun!