It's xmas eve eve

Today is the day we are suppose to be getting this lovely beaut back!

What they don't know is that they aren't finished, I am taking it back anyways.  I'll crawl over glass and rocks to get this baby back today.  First we had the Soul and then the Chevy Malibu.  We all know the issues with the Soul and while the Malibu was so much better, it isn't my car.

Also, FYI the Soul is the highest selling car in it's class model thing.  I KNOW!  I couldn't believe it either, people are actually willing buy it.  But then there are people that can't believe I bought a hybrid and that it's foreign.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Christmas...blah

Christmas is in 4 days…And I am kind of ready for it to be over.  The past couple of years haven’t been all that Christmasy.  It’s probably that thing that happens when you go from being a child to an adult and it just doesn’t hold the wonder and magic that it held back then.

It’s nice be around family and exchange gifts, but the work and the desire that everything must be perfect or be the exact tradition as last year wears me out.  I think a lot of this stems from the fact that after 3.5 years of marriage we still don’t celebrate on our own really.

We barely get to enjoy this season because we are rushing off to this or that, and there are so many days I’d rather sit around enjoy spending time with Jerry being thankful for our savior’s birth. 

I know one thing I can’t wait for is that I don’t have to work at all next week!  I am so excited to be able to sleep in, lie around the house and do nothing if I please.

Also, the one highlight of this week has been watching a bunch of teenagers playing dodge ball with toilet paper.  It was epic and hopefully will be a game that returns!    

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

Since I phoned it in on today's earlier post I thought I would finally post pics of our x-mas tree!  I went with a silver / white, teal and lime green theme!!

It's hard to tell, but most of the tree is glass bulbs and then there are shiny sparkly lime green and teal accents stuck into the tree.

I had extra shinny things and no garland so I made my own decoration on the mantle.  I think it looks AWESOME!  Yay, for my creative genius!!  The ribbon is held in place with tea light holders, and I'll have to post a picture of them all lit so you can see how pretty it is!

Side view!

Sparkly silver trees and a fake teal poinsettia!

And of course we have to represent with a D!

Butt paste or something like it

We participated in a white elephant gift exchange this week and we almost walked home with this:

I was fully prepared to find some use for this, and if I had to I would have become a gymnast just so this didn't go to waste.  Lucky for the Olympic team that won't be a problem because we ended up with tea and cups after the butt powder was stolen from us!

Lasik...Am I crazy?

I decided that I want to get Lasik.  Are you asking yourself “Who cares?” or “Why is this important?”?  Remember that post about my phobia of all things medical?  Well you’re in luck you get one of the many stories describing why my volunteering for Lasik is a HUGE deal.

So after much thought and psychological processing my medical phobia all stems from the fact that I am terrified to die.  I know that as a Christian we aren’t supposed to be afraid to die because we know where we are going, but guess what?  I am still terrified of dying, and God gets that so you need to just accept it too.

Story:

The summer before my sophomore year in college my mom had a major surgery because her intestines got all twisted.  She was a medical anomaly because this normally happens in kids not adults.  Anyhoo we are at her follow up appointment and the doctor was explaining what happened and how she was recovering etc.  (We did bring Mama C because no one thought I would actually be able to handle this appointment)

At this point I am slowly starting to lose it (i.e. turn white, see black dots and all other general feelings of impending black out), but I am trying my best to keep it together.  Then, I kid you not, the doctor starts to dictate into his medical program on his computer in complete medical lingo, of which I don’t even understand, and I get to the point right before no return.  So, I jump up, mumble excuse me and run out into the hall way.

I only know of one way to cope with this and it’s to lie on a cold floor (i.e. bathroom floor) and breathe deep breaths until I calm down.  That obviously isn’t an option here, so I lean up against the wall rocking myself and start signing “Our God is an Awesome God” over and over try to get it under control.  That’s right I have now moved into “look like a crazy person territory”.  Welp that didn’t work and I blew chunks all over the bathroom.

This caused the poor nurse to have to clean up my mess, and no matter how much I tried to help she wouldn’t let me.  Also, this entire time my mom and Mama C know exactly what is going on, so by the time they find me they are laughing hysterically. 

So, that whole Lasik thing going to go so well!  Riiiight!

P.S.  I am also the same girl that practically passed out and had to lie down on the floor of my eye doctor’s examining room when he put numbing drops in my eyes.  Yup, I am setting myself up for an awesome time! 

Barf galore in our house

Do you know what is awesome?  Being 15 minutes late and then having to clean up dog throw up….

Let’s set-up that scene, shall we?

Rusty has been throwing up semi-regularly lately and it’s because he keeps eating towels, socks, tissues, other such items and oh yay POOP just because he can.  Then he eats it because we are gagging so much it’s gone before we can get ourselves under control.  I am pretty sure that Rusty has thrown up the same thing the last four times.  There I am getting ready upstairs (and by getting ready I mean I just finished blow drying my hair and don’t have a layer of clothing on) and he gets the look that says it’s coming up and then he keeps trying to go over in the corner of the room, but I keep trying to get him on the tile.  That doesn’t work so I throw some clothes on and try to rush him down stairs and outside.  Does that work?  Nope the dog runs to the corner upstairs and barfs right in front of the office door.

I decided I don’t care if I am three hours late to work there is no way I am letting this dog eat this again and barf while are gone today.  I lock him in our room so he can’t get to it, but every time I went into the hall the smell of puke and re-eaten poop permeated the area so bad that I had to back into the bedroom 17 times.  Finally I exited the bedroom with the Febreeze on full blast in an effort to mask the smell just long enough so I could clean it up.

 Since we are already on this disgusting journey so let’s take it to the next level.  There were only two things that made me almost lose it worse than the smell.  1. When I was scooping the throw up into the trash bag with the dust pan and three of my fingers slipped into it.  2. After I finished that scoop and I had to go rinse the dust pan off and seeing the residual throw up on that sucker.

I hope your morning started off much better than mine…and if you pass by me and smell throw up just know I was a good dog owner and didn’t let him eat it up this time.

Motorcycle bonanza!

This past Saturday my family and I went to a motorcycle show up in Long Beach.  We had a grand ole time and now of course Jerry has 50 more bikes he wants to buy.  Are they the cheap affordable ones?  Nope my man has $100 tastes on a $10 budget, so we are still at an impasse.

Of course this show has bikes of all shapes, sizes, colors and styles.  Do you enjoy a 1940s countryside ride chugging along at 15 miles an hour?  Well I have just the bike for you:

Perhaps you are short and want a street racer, then this would be the bike for you.  

While seeing all of the bikes is awesome, nothing beats walking behind an old man and hearing him rip one of the loudest farts.  Oh wait, the thing that beats that is hearing him do it a second time.  Yup he did, and he just kept walking straight ahead as if nothing happened.

But the best part of the ENTIRE day was walking around looking like a tourist embarrassing Thing 1 and Thing 2.  We may get older, but frankly we never grown up!

Winning the rodeo on a Shetland Pony

Convo from last night:

J: Watch out you’re going to hit my truck.

K: I’m not going to hit.

J: What are you doing?

K: Starting over so I don’t hit your precious truck.  You know this isn’t my first rodeo!

J: Don’t go there.

K: No, I would be great.  I could barrel race.  I am small.

J: Your legs aren’t long enough.

K: I have pretty long legs for my height.

J: You can’t compete by riding a Shetland pony.

K: (Fake sulk because Lord knows I could compete while riding a Shetland pony)

Jerry forgets knows that telling me I can’t do something it is the exact way to get me to succeed at something.  This clearly means he wants me to become the first barrel racer riding a Shetland pony; watch out rodeo circuit your new circus act has arrived.  It’d be like mutton busting, but legit.

Image from theequinest.com

Basically getting a brand new car

Remember that 5k in damages I was talking about yesterday?  Yes?  Well that actually means my car isn’t going to be ready for an additional two weeks.  Here is an idea auto body shop that is trying to be hip and up on the times, if you are going to text and email your customers maybe you make sure they are sending the right info.

We received a text stating my car would be ready on the 7^th a week ago, and every day since then it has been texting us the “progress”.  As a matter of fact I receive one today that said they were just putting the finishing touches on my car and would indeed be ready for pick up tonight.  Funny, because yesterday on the phone you told me the entire backend still needs to be rebuilt and it won’t be ready for two weeks or so.

Anyways in true materialistic form I am working on trading in the hamster car tuna can because I have to keep my image up.  So I am working the sedan angle, but when they say sedan we all know that it is a compact car, but here is hoping for a new Ford Focus or Nissan Sentra.  I’ll let you know if my cool factor grows by 1000% tonight or not, but it remains to be seen.

P.S. Those Christmas tree pics are still on THE camera and since I am sleeping on an air mattress in the office currently you’d think this would be done by osmosis.  Nope. No such luck. 

I want my car back!!! (Said with Ugly Cry Face)

Today is the last day that I am supposed to be driving the rat hamster car, and I am ready to be rid of it.  If you are contemplating buying a Kia Soul, DON’T.  It is a noisy car and it constantly sounds like I am driving up Mt. Everest and the car is going to explode at any point in time.

Honestly, I am just really ready to have my precious car back in my possession.  Oh and rumor has it that they car had $5,000 worth of damage.  Yup, just from being rear ended I have 5 grand in damages, so I really hope my car works well again.  If my seat heaters are broken, all HELL will break lose.  I mean I upgraded the package solely so I could have butt warmers in the seats.

You are probably thinking this makes me materialistic, and I say correct.  I have waited 10 years to buy the car of my dreams and when my ’98 Honda Civic bit the dust I jump on that chance faster than white hits rice.  I said to myself “Self, you have paid your dues.  Don’t you remember that ’87 Ford Econoline van and that ’88 Volvo Station Wagon?”

Yes, of course I remember those.  I remember driving that van with my head out the window on my way to school because the defroster didn’t work.  I also remember everyone singing that song about the Volvo Driving Soccer Mom.  So, I decided to shed these scarring events and get an awesome fancy schmancy new car, but this Kia brings all those memories back.

P.S. Here is a video of the Kia commercials.  Just seeing this tells you the car has LAME written all over it.

P.S.S. Thing 1 and Thing 2 conveniently blew up the engine in the Volvo so they didn’t have to drive it throughout their high school years.  Well. Played.

Yay for Christmas

I think I was supposed to have a post about that awesome Christmas tree that I am decorating up by now, but alas those pics are still on the camera.  Of course they are because I bet you didn't know that climbing the stairs and plugging the camera in to download the pictures is tough work.  Maybe I can coerce Jerry into loading them on the computer tonight for me.  YAY for being lazy!

That sign still isn't done, and since we have to touch up the teal pain very carefully (much more carefully than the splattered mess I made with my final white paint coat) it's going to probably be a couple more weekends for that.

BUT in awesome news for those of us that celebrate Christmas because of Christ, did you know that Disneyland puts on a Candlelight Processional each year.  In this very awesome event they sign traditional gospel Christmas carols and they read the nativity scene out of the BIBLE!  That's right fellow Christians they actually open up the bible in the city of angels.  Crazy Right?  It was awesome to see experience and I recommend it.  But fear not fellow cynics Disney brought it’s self right back to true LA Form and charge $2,500 per ticket if you want a seat during the hour long performance (okay, yes it does include a meal and a tour of Walt's apartment there, but unless they are sending me home with a piece of gold too I wouldn't fork over that money).  So, unless you have found the magical formula to grow money on trees, it looks like you are standing with the rest of us peons.  This ceremony is always the first week in December, and if you’re going to Disneyland that weekend next year you should check it out.

I thought I'd make Jon Stewart More Attractive

A while back I share that Jerry compared me to Jon Stewart, and while that might be insulting to some, I’d rather be Jon Stewart than Martha Stewart any day.

Since I can barely keep the house in order I figured there have to be other ways to make Jerry enjoy coming home.  These are the options I came up with…

(1)       Always have a warm meal ready for him to eat when he gets home.

(2)       Always have a cheery deposition and a smile on my face so he immediately perks up.

(3)       Have a cold beer waiting and his favorite TV show ready to play when he walks in the door.

(4)       Dress cute so he thinks everything is well kept.

So, 1-3 are automatically out…I get home the same time he does and I don’t really like to cook.  If you think number 2 is even remotely possible you clearly don’t know me because I can make ya laugh, but I am not going to always be happy.  We rarely have beer in the fridge, and we don’t have cable so that’s out!

That leaves me with option 4, and I of course can do this but it has already proven a challenge.  Yesterday, I wore a cute sweater / skirt combo and actually wore panty hose / stockings and quickly remembered why I gave those up a long time ago.  Take the picture below…Yup that is a snag that arrived at or before 8 am.  So the rest of the day I was doing everything possible to prevent a run and then run home and put clear nail polish on it so they will last more than one wear.  Those weren’t cheap baby, and I can’t be ruining them every time I wear them at $6 a pop!

Also, the panty hose never stayed up all the way, so I now know what the Beibs feels like with his tight girl pants that he sags, and frankly I have no idea why he thinks it’s so comfortable.  

Today is day two of dressing cute and I am wearing these beauts.  These are the shoes that I was waiting for (which they never came and I had to go re-buy them. Lame!) and they’re technically half a size small, but they look hot and I’m keeping them.  No pain no gain!  

Jer, if at any time this isn't working for ya, just let me know because I can always go back to dressing like People of Walmart no prob!

Life's happenings

Here is what is going on or not going on in my life currently.

-          I have a half decorated Christmas tree because nothing says “We have spirit, yes we do!” like a half decorated tree.  The way we are going this tree won’t be finished until 5 days after Christmas, but it WILL be finished at some point.

-          My sign still isn’t done, so when you come to my house don’t think we aren’t welcoming you.  As a matter of fact we have every intention of welcoming you; we just haven’t gotten to it yet.

-          I am currently driving around a Kia Soul.  If you ever want to drive in a car that is made from tuna cans, this would be the one.  In case you have no idea what this car looks like, it is the car from the commercial with the mice driving the car.  Also, no joking on some models apparently the speakers light up based on the music you are playing.  People, you clearly couldn’t get any more hip than this car! 

-          Jerry attempted to shut me in the garage today as I’m trying to leave for work.  There I am sitting in the garage about to back out and the garage door goes down.  He apparently missed the cherry red Soul sitting in the garage.  I realize that his truck could eat the Soul in one bite, but it is bright red and his truck doesn’t sit that high off the ground.  The best part is when I open the garage door back open, and I was standing in the middle of the garage he was laughing hysterically.  So that begs the question true mistake or practical joke?  Jerry, care to respond?

-          Last but of course not least, look what I found at Albertson’s this week.  That’s right ladies it’s “Afternoon Delight” in Twilight form.  Now you can have your Edward, Jacob and chocolate all at once.  You ARE Welcome! 

November clearly doesn't like me

November really needs to be over, and I am quite thankful there is only one day left in this ridiculous month.  I honestly think God was like let’s see how much she can take this month alone.  Maybe no more God?  Of course He is like hey one day left you’re in luck.

Let’s recap what I / we have had to deal with this entire month.

1.       Jerry was gone the first half of month

2.       My dogs in in a fight

3.       Family drama

4.       Getting this stupid cold that won’t go away!

So that is what has happened so far, but nothing compares to this morning.

This morning I got rear ended on my way to work.  That’s right fellow 56 W travelers I was one of the three cars that caused traffic to back all the way up to 15.  That’s right ladies and gents when I get into an accident there is no other way to do it, unless I cause the biggest scene possible.

 How did I cause a scene?  Well, let me tell you…First there was the three car pile-up and then I had to call 911 which sent an ambulance, fire truck and two CHP officers.  Then after calling the all-knowing Jerry I had to keep it together for the two other drivers.  So, if you are ever in a crisis you should have me on your side.

I managed to keep it together the entire time, but I did almost lose my non-existent breakfast when the fire fighters and paramedics showed up to look at the driver from the car in the middle.  That’s right every girl’s dream of 10 fire fighters and paramedics showing up and losing their breakfast in front of them.  Hmm, maybe not a bad way to get attention? 

The reason for this is because of course my extreme phobia with anything having to do with medical attention.  There are probably about 50 blog posts about all of the incidents that have happened when I have had to go to the hospital and urgent care.  But, let’s just sum it up with this: Jerry once asked my old boss if I laid down on the emergency room floor and healed myself.  I am sure that now requires these stories in full detail, gah.  Later young one, later.

Anyhooo we are now working on getting my car fixed ect.  Oh yeah, and this is the second accident I have been in with my car that is less than a year old.  LAME!!!

P.S. To the Jerk that yelled at us out of his dump truck that all the accident was a fender bender and to move along, maybe you be more concerned with our safety instead of being so mean.

P.S.S.  On top of this loverly incident I was also oogled by the nice looking mail man in our food court again.  I say nice looking because he looks like he could be someone’s sweet grandfather, but clearly he is a dirty old man, as usual.  I wish I could have gone up to him and said “Yes, my lady lumps are gigantic get over it and stare at something else.” 

Thanksgiving is best not traditional

Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday and frankly it's because of Turkey.

Now that I have thoroughly twisted your panties in a bunch, lets straighten those things out and I'll explain why.  I get that Thanksgiving is the holiday where we all join our crazy relatives around the same table and say how thankful we are for everything in our life, but let’s get real here Turkey totally ruins the meal.

I hate white meat because it is generally dry and there is never enough dark meet to go around.  So, when I get stuck with the white meat I need a gallon of water to swallow the two pieces of turkey I selected so I don’t insult the cook.  The turkey is clearly not good unless it is slathered in gravy and even then it doesn’t go down well unless I hide it in mashed potatoes.

Since my parents abandoned us to go to Hawaii over Thanksgiving, and really who can blame them (A cruise and no Turkey?  Sign me up!), my brothers and I decided a non-traditional Thanksgiving was in order.  So we went and got ourselves so nice prime rib with all the traditional Thanksgiving sides, but no lame Turkey!  Of course Jerry threw all caution into the wind and got Chicken Cordon Bleu.  Weird, but totally in the spirit of non-traditional! 

I hope you and your families had a great Thanksgiving as well, and that one year you try out the non-traditional way!

Crafty Kelly part 2

This post is supposed to be the finished sign project, but in an effort to keep expectations low, you only get part two.

So I am still in the process of painting the white on, and after about 100 more coats it should be finished.  Meaning the final post will be up in three months since we are waiting a day betwixst each coat.

If i didn't mention this before all of the paint is oil based because it will prevent the metal from rusting unlike a water based one, which will actually cause the metal to rust.  For the lettering we chose to go with a gloss white, so it would be bright white.  That way there is no doubt in your mind we are welcoming you into our home.

To apply the paint I needed a thin brush so enter old make-up brushes.  I used the one on the right because I knew it would be easier to control.  Of course if you are going to do this make sure you clean the brushes really good because you don't want the make-up to stain the paint like I almost did.

Here is the required shot of my painting, so you know I didn't hire someone else to do this. 

That is after one coat of paint which is not nearly enough.  I am on three and a half coats.  Three and a half you ask?  It's because one night I got through WELC and the next night I only got through OME and the boarder and started again.  So, I need to catch up and finish it off.  The painting should be done tonight or tomorrow morning. Then Jerry needs to drill the holes, touch up the paint and attach the cute rope we have yet to find.  Needless to say we'll be lucky if we get this done and hung up by the end of this long weekend.

Me trying to be crafty

A while back Jerry and I helped out the Future President’s parents and sister move their stuff after a garage sale, and so they let me take this sign for free as payment.  Little did they know that the pizza they provided was more than enough.  J

Anyways, I wasn’t really keen on the all-black sign, and didn’t find it welcoming, but I have been looking for things to make our front porch look pretty (Although that box with the new shoes I am waiting on will do the job just nicely, if they would ever come).  So, I decided that I would repaint the sign to be more “me” and then hang it on the front porch, the 1^st step to make it more welcoming.  Thank goodness Jerry is around because he was able to help organize me so I can actually make this a reality.  So, here is the first half of the steps we are taking to make this prettier.

We needed to take off the twirls and surrounding metal piece to paint it, and once we had it off I decided I liked it better that way.  My house isn’t ornate and so the simple sign will look much better, plus part of the top was broken and we had no way to fix it.

Then we took an SOS pad to it to sand off any lose paint and get rid of the dust and dirt.

Then Jerry read the directions as any good husband would do.

Then he showed me how to spray paint it because he was worried I’d go buck wild and the entire garage would be in my favorite color.  If you know me at all you are not surprised at this color choice because if possible I’d probably be painted this color that is how much I love it!

We put several coats on the front, then flipped it and sprayed the back and sides.  

This paint dried to the touch in several minutes and we were able to flip it about 2 hours after that last coat was sprayed.  Then I let it dry for 24 hours to make sure that it set fully.  So, far so good!  Next post will be the letters and boarder!

Girl's night; required for sanity

So we had girl's night a week ago and because of my sickness I slacked at getting the pics and story up.  

We reiterated my old soul once again as discussed here and here:

We were all discussing what to get for dinner at the Old CA Minning CO, and several people mentioned the all you can eat salad bar and soup.  To which I asked “oh how good is the salad bar?”  And they replied “It’s okay but go look at it if you are concerned.”  So, I did and then said “That the Sizzler had a way better salad bar!’  I mean all this salad bar had was lettuce a few toppings and salad dressing.  Sizzler has a mini Hometown Buffet for their salad bar, and paying $10 bucks isn’t that big of a deal.  I want variety in my all you can eat salad and soup combo especially since we only had three soup choices.  The girls were making fun of me because only old people go to Sizzler apparently, but in my defense I have been there probably once in the last five years.  Too bad that one time was at like 4.  I just can’t get away from my old soul.

Making fun of me for not wanting the salad bar.  Was it as great as you say? I think not!

The second part of the evening was playing Apples to Apples, drinking wine and eating homemade Pizookie.  Which if you have never had, go to the nearest BJ’s restaurant and try one now!  Below is the requisite girls night supplies, and for the record I bought six bottles of wine because they were on sale, and the 7th was bought by someone else.  We only opened two!  I promise!

Why good friends are a blessing...

So I have been sick this week, yesterday I stayed home from work sat on my butt all day watching private practice.  Then my dogs got in a fight and I had to take the one to the vet at 9:30pm.  So life has been soooo peachy this week.

But then I got this awesome peace of gold from Glamorama in my inbox and it was hysterical.  So funny I started crying and kept crying because in the midst of the craziness I have great friends that do things like this so randomly it's awesome.

Please enjoy...

Updated: Jerry is nothing if not honest

Last year at this time Chik-fil-a had a Peppermint, Chocolate Chip Milk shake that Jerry fell in love with.  If he could have married it he probably would have.  Well when he found out that they were bring it back this year he about peed his pants in excitement.  This man was so thrilled that he would be able to indulge again for another two months!

Well this treasured milk shake came out last week, and I am sure that he went several times to get this milk shake because as he said to me I only have a limited time to enjoy this.  So the following was a discussion that occurred because of this.

K:“Hey so I thought that we could go get you a milkshake from Chik-fil-a!”

J: “We can get you one, but I don’t really want one.”

K: “What!?!  How could you possibly not want one?  What happened to I only have a limited time?”

J: “I am full from dinner, so maybe another time.”

K:“Okay, well I want one, and I don’t want to share.  Especially because you don’t share them well.”

J: “Okay.”

5 min later

J: “We’ll just get you one.  It is likely that I’ll drink it all, but let’s only get one.”

10 Min

J: “We’ll have one small Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake.”

K: “Small?”

J: “Yes, I am not going to have that much.”

10 min later

K: “I am soooo glad we got mee the milk shake.”

J: “Are you being sarcastic?”

K: “What me? Sarcastic? No, Never!”

5 min later

K: “Okay, but seriously I thought we got this for me.”

J: “I am only sharing it with you.”

K: “Yah, but as you said if you shared you would drink it all.”

J: “Sooo, what didn’t you understand about that?”

Touché Jerry, Touché.  Expectations set and met.

Finally caught that cold going around

So Jerry is on his last week of training for the new job, and I am so ready for him to be back home full time.  But the little stinker brought a cold home to me.  Seriously!  I fought the cold that was going around when we were in Redding, and succeeded in never catching it.  But Jerry comes home for one weekend, 48 hours and I get this stupid cold?  Yup, so now I have that wonderful head in the cloud feeling and I feel like I am moving in slow motion while the world is moving in fast forward.

Anyhooo, as much as I sure you want to know about the color of my snot (yellow / green) and the ridiculous amount of sinus pressure I am feeling, that isn't what we are talking about today.  No today is a rant because when I get sick the sass level dramatically increases.  Today is to tell the world to stop focusing on yourself and start looking at the people around you.  Stop pretending that you aren't selfish.  You are selfish, I AM SELFISH.  We are all selfish (please sing that to the tune of the ice cream song), and frankly I am tired of everyone being so selfish including myself.

I am tired of hearing “Well what are you going to do for me?” or “What am I going to get out of that?”.  Maybe the question you and I should be asking is “What am I going to put into this?”.  This is especially true with God.  I think that honestly we should all start worrying about what other people are getting out of our relationships instead of what we are.  I also think that if we change this thinking that we would be more in tune with what other people are actually thinking and worried about, instead of assuming we know the answers.

So, this next week why don’t you try with me to think about others first, put their needs before yours.  I honestly think that if we took this and really tried we might be able to make a difference in someone’s life.  

Blah blah balah

This week has been one crazy messed up roller coaster and I have a hate love hate relationship with them.  The anxiety to get on a roller coaster has me peeing my pants, throwing up in my mouth and fighting the urge to throw myself down a flight of stairs all at the same time.  Then I get on the roller coaster and almost pee myself every time I am facing the drop at the top, but then love it from that point on.  Why the second hate in the relationship you ask?  Well that is because the combination of adrenaline and anxiety causes a lovely headache at the completion of this ride.

The worst experience of this is when I am getting on a roller coaster I have never before experienced.  Case in point the time Jerry decided it would be awesome to take me on California Screamin’ at Disneyland.  I am feeling the usual anxiety and a little worse because it is my first time on this ride.  Jerry is joking that we are going to sit in the way back so I feel every whip of the turn.  He claims it makes it more exciting.  At this point my legs lose their ability to function, and Jerry proceeds to drag my limp body to the platform.  I now start to sing worship songs, and ask God to take me quickly if it’s my time.  Jerry gets me loaded in with the help of the ride operator.

We then leave the platform, go around the corner and stop.  To which I squeak out “why are we stopping?”  And Jerry replies with a bit too much glee “I am not sure you’ll have to wait and see.”  The there is a count down, and I freak out “Why is it counting? Why is it counting?  Why is counting? WHY IS IT COUNNNNNTTTTIING?”  FYI it counts because it is preparing you for the inevitable blast off.  Finally my ride of torture is over and Jerry shows me the blood blisters from digging my nails in so hard on the blast off.  That’ll teach him to gleefully hide things from me on future rides.

So, when a week is a roller coaster it is often a week that calls for hiding out a home and not being sociable, but this weekend I am doing things differently by getting my party on and celebrating Glamorama’s birthday with my gal pals!  Let’s hope I actually remember to bring a camera and capture the fun we have.

Jon Stewart not Martha Stewart

Jerry has been gone 4.5 weeks with 1.5 to go and I am tired of him being gone.  You see, Jerry does so much around the house and it has all fallen to me.  This wouldn’t be a problem but as Jerry recently said to me “I guess I didn’t marry Martha Stewart, but Jon Stewart.”  All I have to say to that is, FACT!

I am never going to be a Suzie homemaker as previously discussed, but honestly I think Jerry only lets me do certain chores at home because he is terrified that other ones would have horrific consequences.  Let us look at the chores that aren’t getting done well and the reasons why:

1.       Trash / Recycling going out: 

a.       This is disgusting and I’ll probably get dirty.

b.      I always forget until 10 pm and who wants to go dragging trash cans out in the pitch black while waking the neighbors. 

c.       I have to go through two gigantic bushes to put these out and I risking my life and limb against spiders.  So I’ll pass.  Therefore Jerry is going to have a lovely time getting this all to the curb when he gets home.

2.       Mowing the law: 

a.        Jerry is afraid I would run over my foot, and I say that is impossible you are pushing the lawn mower not walking next to it. 

b.       Jerry says that I’ll burn the grass or something from keeping the blades too low and he has worked far too hard to watch me ruin it.

c.        Jerry said it would take three months for me to notice the grass even needs to me mowed.  Probably true because I don’t even notice now when he mows it, after he tells me it was mowed.

3.       Pumping Gas:

a.       I love to wait as long as possible to fill the tank.  It adds excitement to my life and makes me feel like I am living on the wild side.  Thing 2 experienced this the other night when I hog tied him to the back seat and dragged him to the gas station 5 miles away all with the “Miles to Empty” flashing three dotted lines.  To which he continuously muttered “I’m not pushing this car, I’m not pushing this car”.

b.      Point A happens because I always have to put gas in the car at night and we all know that the serial killers are hanging out at gas stations at night waiting for poor defenseless girls like me. 

c.       When Jerry pumps my gas it makes me feel like a kept woman, and who doesn’t love that feeling.  So, I try to go a whole week without filling up which really is the root cause of point a.  For all you who can’t believe I let him pump my gas for me, I say you have obviously never experienced this joyous feeling.  So next time you go to the gas station with your SO fake a broken leg or something just so you too can know, and you’ll never want to pump your own gas again.

d.      The real reason Jerry even pumps gas is because he is probably afraid I am going to blow the car up….And he is probably right.  Did you know that you aren’t supposed to talk on the phone while pumping gas?  Me either and I do this all the time.

Yeah, if I were Jerry I would be worried too.  Especially because I think I am going to try my hand at mowing the lawn Thursday night, in the dark.  That should be fun!

Yogurt tastes better at room temperature

Here is a little known fact about me….I let my yogurt warm up to room temperature before I eat it.  What I mean by this is I take the yogurt to work and don’t put it into the fridge so that it is the perfect temperature at 2:00 pm.  Yup, I am admitting this to the world now, and I honestly don’t even know if Jerry knows that I do this. 

It just tastes better room temp!

I have been so ashamed to admit this because it is like wearing that bright letter A on your chest in medieval times.  I routinely put myself at risk for food poisoning by doing this because those cultures that supposedly help you lose weight could potentially kill me.  I couldn’t ever admit this to anyone because I didn’t want to have to get weird looks or explain myself.  But frankly I love to live life on the wild side when it comes to food, so the thought of luke warm yogurt sounds fantastic to me.  Plus I think everything tastes better room temperature or hot.  

Anyways, I told you that deep dark secret so I could tell you this and you wouldn’t think I was as crazy.  After that blackout we were supposed to thrown out dairy products, but when I tasted the milk it tasted fine.  So………we kept it, and because the milk was fine we kept all the dairy products we had. 

My future children will be lucky if they make it to age 5.

Thankful

FYI this isn’t going to be a funny post, and while that is the point most of the time I promised myself that this blog would be about everything going on in my life.  Everything isn't always funny, but this thing is a good thing.

This past year was a tough year for so many different reasons and days were often like this.  A lot of times when we go through difficulty we don’t get to see how that difficutly is going to be used by God.  Instead we want until we arrive in heaven to see how the pieces of our life fit together with others.

But, I have been lucky enough to have been thrown in a completely uncomfortable situation and God is using me.  I am creating change and building people up, but I would never have been able to make this impact or relate to others if I hadn’t go through all of the previous junk.  I understand what it is like to have a person say nasty things about you and others with no power to make change.  I get what it is like to hate doing something every day, but you continue because it is the right thing to do.  I know what it is like to be miserable and to never see the light at the end of that tunnel.

BUT….God is now using me to be that light for others.  He is allowing me to create change that is good, and on top of that I now hear how valuable I am.  I hear “Thank you” and "you’re making a difference".  So all I have to say is that God really does use those tough times for the good.  The thing we always have to remember is that the good may not be seen by us, but there is good coming from it and eventually it will matter to someone.

At least I am young at heart

Here is the lesson I have been taught this week by life experiences, and I hope God is using his sense of humor here because it is quite ridiculous.  Please learn from these because frankly I don’t think God teaches in this way to anyone else, and your way just might not be as fun.

23 was my last year of youngness.  Since then I have been on a steady decline in the ability to function properly.  This was demonstrated in two ways this past week:

a.       First, when you see a man driving a Vespa and you think he has a bird glued to his shoulder, just because it is close to Halloween, it is most certainly not a bird.  Also, slowing down your car to see if it is a crow or other black bird is not necessary and you should realize your brain is playing tricks on you.  AKA, another reason I am probably going blind or losing my ever loving mind.

b.      Second, never let a teenager stand on your back / butt while you are pretending to be a surf board in a game.  Said teenager will step perfectly on your back and cause your neck to lock up, and force you to walk around like Frankenstein all evening.  Plus driving is now impossible causing you to walk home in the snow 500 miles all up hill in the dark.

Halloooooweeeeen and it's awesomeness.

Every Halloween needs the required sloot, and Jerry volunteered this year, and by volunteered I mean got stuck with the largest costume possible that was still too small.  That’s what happens when your shoulders were built to be a linebacker, and your legs are too long for the men’s large.

Check out those buns!  Cacow!!  Crap I forgot family reads this….Dad we have a completely platonic relationship, all the time, 100% serious.

And here is the high waters shot.

And here we are together in our awesomeness!  Yes, we did go in public like this, and we fully committed to it including the mustaches.

Now for the other fabulous costumes, and I am so happy to be apart of such a funny and creative bunch of people.

 Bee and the bee keeper....Genius

Characters from Young Frankenstein.. Igor and the Bride of Frankenstein

Wayne's world!!

Insert foot into mouth

You know that moment when someone is trying to console you, but they end up insulting you?  Yeah, I have been getting that a lot since Jerry is gone.  It typically sounds like this:

“How is Jerry’s training going?”

“He is enjoying it.”  

“How much time does he have left?”

“Oh x weeks.” (Today is three FYI)

“That’ll fly by and you won’t even miss him because he is home on the weekends.”

Silence…..Blink

More Silence…..Blink……Blink

This person tripping over themselves to make it better: “Well I mean, of course you miss him, but you only have x weeks more and it’ll fly by.  Plus you are so busy it keeps your mind off of it.  Oh my, look at the time. Bye!”

Yes, you are completely correct I never miss him because he is gone only 5 days instead of 7, and I get to see him after those 5 days for 48 hours.  As a matter of fact I am actually a heartless person that prefers when my husband is gone, and wished he lived away the majority of the time.  That way I can lounge around in my onezie drinking a mojito pretending like everything is normal and saying to myself “This IS the life”.  All the while the dogs are massaging my feet and feeding me grapes.  

The 18 wheeler with a steak knife stuck on it.

I know that no one would believe I saw this, so I had to take a picture as proof.  I realize that this is illegal and dangerous, but come on it was so worth it!  I seriously cannot make up the craziness that I see on a regular basis.  I really am just that special!

I really wonder how this steak knife got stuck in between the truck and the license plate.  I mean did the driver stick it there to say to other drivers watch out because I’ll cut you!  I’ll take you out if you mess with me and my 18 wheeler.  Or was this his way of protecting the goods he was carrying?  But that can’t be it because any thief would use the knife against him.  

Either way watch out on the road because there is a steak knife carrying truck driver that is clearly not in his right mind.

Jerry you have been renamed Kerry....Sorry the iPhone said so

The iPhone has now decided that Jerry’s name is not a real word and should instead be Kerry.  I get that Kerry is one of our Hollywood names, but frankly Jelly is so much cooler and neither of us really like Kerry.  Also, when typing I would never refer to us in the 3^rd person that is lame, and I am much cooler that that!

But let’s discuss what the real problem is here…I have been writing to and talking about Jerry for the entire year I have had this iPhone.  It isn’t like all of a sudden Jerry pops up on the radar and the iPhone is like I can’t handle this curve ball you are throwing to me soooooo….Kerry it is.  NO!  I even have Jerry’s name typed into the phone as a contact.  I keep waiting for the iPhone to catch on, and think “Hey, this name isn’t going anywhere maybe I should remember it!”  But it never quite gets it, instead I am typing so fast I have to re-type Jerry’s name 54 times because the iPhone never gets that we are talking about the most important human in my life.

I think the iPhone is just messing with me to see if I will stay loyal.  I can’t handle the pressure to get his name right, and the iPhone knows it!  What if one time the name appears as Jelker or something even crazier like joker because it knows I’ll have a nervous breakdown?  The iPhone just sits there thinking “I know what’s best, just give in and the world will be a better place.  Just give in!” 

And Jerry, I mean Kerry, no wait Jelker.  Shoot what is that man’s name, that guy I live with?  He isn’t here to fix it and make it go away, and life won’t be the same ever again because by the time he gets home I’ll have forgotten him.

But seriously, does anyone know how to fix my problem?  Can I be smarter than the iPhone again, and tell it to not auto correct Jerry to Kerry?